For anyone who knows me, whether that be at surface level or otherwise, you will likely know that I am unhappy with my job. It isn’t easy to work for the company I am part of and I dread going in everyday. It’s not that the job duties are difficult, it’s the environment. And even still, for the most part I like the people I work with. What I find most difficult is how my position is viewed. I’ve spent a lot of times speaking with my counterparts from other locations and they feel the same. We are replaceable in their eyes. We will be worked until we’re dead tired and then still have to work more but we’re “just office managers.” I know I have a couple other posts about generally how much I dislike my job so I don’t want this blog to settle there. This is not the subject I want to address.
Lately, I’ve been looking for other jobs and I couldn’t be more stressed about it. The idea of finding the time to juggle my current work load, sleep and also actively looking for other employment makes me slightly grouchy. I worry constantly of what will happen when/if I find a new place. I can’t even begin to wrap my brain around what I will say to my boss when I tell her I’m leaving. She’s done so much for me and I feel like I would be letting her down if I left. I know that I’m not the only one who feels (or felt) like this and in reality I know that she would be happy for me one way or another. I just wish there was an easier way.
The last couple days I had what could be considered a working interview with someone who I’ve been in communication with about a job for what seems like forever. I am so grateful for that opportunity because I realize that job is really not for me. I could do the job requirements but I don’t know that I would really be happy doing that. Which seamlessly brings me to my next point.
What IS going to make me happy?
Or, now that I think about it, maybe happy isn’t the right word. Maybe I want to say content. Because I know that I would be happy not working. That’s not to say I’m lazy or just want to live off of someone’s money. I just want to be honest with you guys. If I didn’t have to work another day in my life, I wouldn’t. I would fill my time with reading and music and dancing. I would spend more time cooking or traveling. I would opt for no tie downs at all. Or maybe I would buy a grand house and host dinner parties. Maybe I could do it all. But maybe never comes if I can’t support that lifestyle.
I want a job that is going to keep me content with life. A place that feels like it will always be there. That will allow me the freedom to do what I need to keep myself happy. After all, who is responsible for our happiness if not ourselves? (side note: the answer is no one. Sure people can help you find the path or even take the journey with you but ultimately you are in charge.)
What am I trying to say here? I’m not sure. I think it’s that I’m finding it hard to find a direction. I just want to try everything or do everything. That’s always been my problem. I put too much on my plate and then I shut down and get caught up in how much I could be doing if only I could CHOOSE.
Here I am surrounded by doors and windows and the only one that can open them is me. I want to set a goal today and I want to ask that you help me stay on task with it. By the end of April I want to be out of my current job and on to bigger and better things.
What goals will you set for the months? I would love to hear them all.