There may come a time in your creative process when you want to stop. Maybe this is for valid reasons. Maybe your dreams have changed. But maybe you’ve been hearing that voice in your head telling you that what you’re doing isn’t important. That you’re wasting your time on something that will never work out. And maybe I’m at that point.
I’m not surprised that I’ve hit this wall, only that it’s taken so long to reach. This is not the first blog platform I’ve used. In fact, I’ve had two others on Blogspot and I currently have a poetry blog on the good old Tumblr. The first blog I had now has no posts on it so I can’t even begin to tell you what was written on it. I remember starting it my freshman year of college because all of the girls in my hall were doing it. When I say all, I don’t mean all. Just the four or five girls I hung out with most. I remember starting a new blog when I moved back to my parents house having just lost a job and dropped out of school. When I did that I erased everything from the old blog so no one could ever read those. I’m sure it was just as angsty as the new one just far more cringe worthy. That blog still has everything on it but I remember I tried to blog daily and in the end it was too much for me. I think there was maybe 45 posts on that site. I have no clue what most of it is about anymore.
Like I said, I have a poetry blog now, that’s where I post literally all the poems I write because I’m vain and I like the attention. And then there’s this blog. Where I give you stories of my past, tell you about what I’m going through now, and paint pictures of my future. Or rather, that’s what I want to be doing. I don’t know if I am or not. So here we are. The giant wall of doubt and a skewed view of my self worth.
I wanted to give it all up like I have with my other blogs. Not because I’m dissatisfied with the small amount of views I get because that actually feels really good. Just knowing that people outside of my immediate family are tuning in now and then to read what I have to say. It’s heartwarming. Unfortunately for me though, sometimes the anxiety and depression are unstoppable.
Last night I was up until 2:30am fretting about the everything this last few months have held. How much change I’ve been through. How much uncertainty I have about almost every aspect in my life. I don’t want to sit here and tell you that things are peachy keen because they aren’t. I gave up the financial security of my previous job because I thought it was best for my mental health. However, I find myself here two and a half months later with no progress to show. I could have stayed and made it work. I could have done a lot of things differently than I have and so all there is left is to pick myself up.
When you hit this point in your creative career, know that you are not alone. As a creator, we are weighed down by the what ifs. When it gets to heavy, take a breather. Sit down and reevaluate. Take some time to remember why it is you started on this journey. Reach out to your friends if you’re having trouble remembering. Take the day off. Take the week off. Do what you need to do in order to feel rejuvenated. There is no shame in that. I once saw a post that said something along the lines of “nothing in nature blooms all year round” and also something about not becoming disheartened because you aren’t always able to create something. It’s natural to have these seasons just like with everything else. Your time will come again soon enough.
I promise you, it will all be there when you come back. When you are able to scale that wall you’ve come to. Just think of how proud you will be when you can look back and see the progress you’ve made. When you’re not stuck in the middle of this pit of despair that is doubt you’ll be able to see the accomplishments and goals you’ve reached. I know that I’ll come out the other side with better stories to tell because of this. One day.