How To Steal Friends

I can think of two times in my life that I’ve gotten called out for “stealing friends” and frankly I think that’s ridiculous. It’s not like I forced someone to be friends with me. That would be insane. Right?

The first time this happened I was baffled because we were all friends. It was a group of three of us. Myself, Jordyn and Peyton. As a preface, I went to a middle school that was outside the area I lived and I had gone to the elementary school near my house. I was new. I had no friends at all. I was quiet and reserved and shy and above all that, I had no idea how to make friends of my own. How could someone like that STEAL a friend? I don’t know.

6th grade was about myself and Peyton really even though I knew Jordyn. Then 7th grade it was the peak of the “three best friends” phase. Once 8th grade began it was really just myself and Jordyn and that was apparently MY fault. I remember Peyton telling me that it was mean that I stole Jordyn from her because they were friends first. Mind you, I didn’t do anything of the sort. But it’s whatever. I chalked it up to immaturity since we were still quite young. (I was the youngest of the three of us because I’m special and skipped a grade, holler!)

Now, the second time this happened I would say it was more implied than said upfront. After all, we’re adults now and we don’t talk about our feelings.

I was hired at my last job in April of 2014 and I was coming into an office that only had two people with the allowance of five. This means those two people worked a lot and spend a lot of time together. Well I guess I’m assuming that to be the case since I never really discussed that with either of them.

This working relationship started like everything else in life for me. I was quiet and shy and observant. Once I became comfortable with the job, the three of us became friends. It started with me and L because at the time I was still quite intimidated by the boss lady. Then in time the three of us started to hang out. We never really did much outside of work so I guess I can’t call it hanging out. But regardless, we had a group message between the tree of us which meant it was serious business.

Ah, the age of technology. Such a beautiful thing.

As the months went on we started trying to do things outside of work but we all lived in very different parts of the city and couldn’t find a common ground. I say that except myself and Boss were always sacrificing to meet L places and never the other way around. So it eventually got to a point where we would invite her somewhere and she would say no and we wouldn’t just cancel plans because of it. That’s when it happened.

Maybe this is because of social media, maybe not. We would post a picture of us at say, cold stone, and I would get a notification that L commented saying something like “I see you’re having fun without me, again.” Which with my low self esteem killed me. (Metaphorically obviously. Or is it? I could be a ghost, you don’t know.) L blamed me for the friendship not being what it used to be and she made sure I knew it. That made our working relationship quite difficult when it came time for me to be the boss. She ended up quitting and finding a better job so I guess it was for the best.

Now, what I’ve learned from these two instances is how to be accused of stealing friends and I will show you how. If you give me a little more of your time, I can catch you up.

How to steal friends in 7 easy steps

1. Observe – this is the most crucial. You have to be able to pick up on subtle movements and actions these people make. That way you can tell what makes them tick.
2. Listen – again, this step is important. No one likes a friend who doesn’t listen to what they say. Let them talk and actually hear them. Find patterns in their speech wether it’s pitch or terminology. This will help you in step 6 so you know what to say and how to say it.
3. Learn – this step goes hand in hand with the first two steps. Remember small details of this persons life so you can bring them up later. I promise it will impress them.
4. Connect – this might be a difficult so you have to make sure you’re well prepared for this. The first three steps might take a while as a result. Once you find the opportunity, don’t mess up. Talk about that thing you remembered them telling you. Relate that to something you’ve experienced in your life. If you don’t have anything specific, it’s okay to stretch the truth slightly. They probably won’t remember.
5. Invest your time – this won’t be a quick process ether. It takes time to successfully steal a friend. You have to slowly do this so no one is the wiser. Be inclusive when you ask to hang out. Always say yes when they want to hang out with you. If they text, respond as quickly as possible so they know you think they’re important. Their time is valuable and you do not want to waste it.
6. Debate – this might be a bit controversial but it lets them know you’re not interested in being surface level friends. Talk about heated subjects but for the most part, agree with them. That way this person think you two are practically friendship soulmates.
7. Get to know their family – this will be the final step. If you hit it off with the family, you’ve succeeded. If they have animals make sure you greet them with a happy voice and pet them the whole time you’re around. It’s hard to not like someone if your animals love them. Same with your mom. Moms usually have a good sense of who is good for you.

And that’s it. If you’ve successfully completed these seven steps than congrats, you’ve stolen a friend. Goodbye quiet girl and hello best friend!

(Now that you have these friends, find out how to lose them here)