Remember when I said I wasn’t going to post anymore outside of my regular weekly post? I lied. It was unintentional though so it’s not like I did it out of malice.
Earlier I updated you on my well being but I wrote that last night with no idea what today would hold. I honestly felt that it was a cop out. I needed a break. Actually, what I think I needed was a breakthrough. Today was not a bad day. I got out of bed and I ate three full meals. I got myself dressed and even went outside for a walk. Talk about major progress. Today was still not the best day though. I did spend a heavy majority of it crying.
As I am sure you are mostly aware, I’ve been going through quite the rough patch this last month and nothing I am doing seems to help. So I gave myself this week to voice my opinions and pain through creative writing and poetry. I can’t say that this necessarily helped me cope with things but I suppose only time will tell for that.
I’ve discussed a lot about friendships this past week and I think it’s important that I give you another point of view. I hope that in the blogs I posted, I didn’t make my friends (past or present) out to be bad people. If I did, I am looking to fix that. They deserve better because I know without a shadow of doubt the issues are my fault.
I struggle a lot with jealousy which I believe comes from insecurity. I keep my friend group small so I don’t have to spread myself too thin but in doing so that means I get very attached to the friends I have. When I notice these friends start hanging out with other people or other friends more than me I feel so incredibly jealous of that other person. I guess that makes me really selfish too. I don’t know how to stop these feelings and it makes me so angry with myself. Honestly, if you have any tips, let me know. I don’t like to admit these things or even confront them which makes this a very difficult post to write. I think I’ve started this four times and nothing seems right.
I think this is just a really long winded apology to my friends. I guess there’s only one that really matters here, so this is mostly for her. Please bear with me while I get this off my chest.
My dearest friend,
I’m sorry. There are so many things I wish I could tell you but I don’t know how. I don’t have the words. I don’t know if I ever will. What I do know, is that I want you to ask. I know that I’ve told you before, but when I get overwhelmed I can’t just give answers to questions that aren’t directly asked. I need you to ask me, if you want to.
I remember there was a time when we would be up late talking until one of us fell asleep and we just picked the conversation back up in the morning. Have I told you how much I miss that? We both know that we can’t go back to being the people we used to be but maybe we can be people who do that again?
Regardless of this poor excuse for a letter, I want to say again how sorry I am. I know I tell you a lot but I’m always pretty vague. It’s really difficult for me to talk about it.
My love for you is like the universe,
P.s. life flippin sucks