I would say that I have a good track record for forgiving people if they’ve made a mistake. That, however, does not include myself. I have always believed that someone can change for the better as long as they have the desire to do so.
More than anything, I want to be better. So why is it that I have such a hard time forgiving myself?
I’m no expert by any means, so what I’m about to say will likely be complete crap. Since I want to be better, I believe that I should already know better. When I do make a mistake, it makes me question if I was really a mistake or if it was an ill-intended action. And since I’m the only one who can truly answer that question, I hold a grudge until I sort it all out.
Over the last few months I have made so many bad decisions that I find it impossible to move on. I can be forgiven by those I’ve wronged a million times and still not feel like I have apologized enough. Which leads me nicely to my next point. Can you move on if you can’t forgive yourself? I don’t know. I guess you can’t climb up unless you first let go.
It’s important to learn from your mistakes. To let them help you grow. I know that will be a long journey for me, but I promise I am not going to give up.
I know it’s hard to forgive yourself. Believe me when I say you aren’t the only one who struggles with this. Don’t give up on us. I know you wish you could take it all back, but unfortunately time travel still doesn’t exist. Plus, if you can bust out 470 words to forgive the unforgivable, why can’t you do the same for yourself?
Use this as a learning experience. Grow from it. Don’t allow it to consume you. You owe it to yourself to give another chance. Just like you would with anybody else. Even if no one will offer you the same in return, you have the chance to prove them wrong.
If nothing else, I want you to know that I forgive you.You are not your mistakes or your failures. You are kind, loving and supportive but above all of that, you are forgiving. Don’t forget that. I promise you it will get better, it just takes a little time. You can do it! I believe in you.
I know that you’re dealing with a lot of doubt and self-hatred right now and I don’t want to discredit your feelings. Don’t let that make your heart cold. Don’t let it close you off again. If there is anything you learned when you moved away from home, it’s that the friends you’ve made really do care about you. Just because things aren’t the way they used to be doesn’t mean you aren’t loved. It doesn’t mean that people don’t value your friendship.
When you’re asked what you’re thankful for and you don’t feel like you have an answer, be thankful for this. Thankful that you have the ability to learn from your mistakes. Be thankful for your friends because we both know you don’t tell them enough.
I will continue to pray for you. For peace. For healing. For progress. That one day you’ll look back on these moments and be able to see how far you’ve come.
Wasn’t that a fun time? Thanks for reading through it all. If you’ve made some bad choices I want you to know that it’s not the end. There is always time to change. Though I can’t make you be better person, I hope you can find the desire in your heart.