This year, as most of you are aware, has been a constant struggle for me and my mental health. Usually I only have small bouts of depression around the end of each year and sporadically throughout the year, whereas this year it’s been pretty consistent. I’ve certainly had a few moments of clarity but for the most part I would say I’ve been in the dumps since day one.
I do my best to share my honest feelings here on this blog since it is, first and foremost, for me. This year began with a shaky foundation of a friendship with my best friend. We both went through some hard times and completely shut each other out. Being the boss I am, I internalized how heartbreaking it was to lose my best friend and hardly anyone noticed. I’m not sure I should be proud of that. What am I saying? Things were shaky, right.
Slowly through the beginning of the year we began to work things out but eventually things got rocky again. I don’t know if my mental breakdown played a part in that or if it was the other way around. Whatever order, things seemed to get worse. But the friendship isn’t really what I want to talk about right now.
At the beginning of August I told myself that I was going to go see a doctor about my depression and then there was this shift in my brain. Suddenly I was believing that my depression was made up and I’ve put myself in this position, I even went so far as to tell myself that I deserved to feel the way I did. I bottled all of this up because I was reading into everything anyone would say to me when I brought this up thinking they secretly thought the same thing I did. That I was just faking it* to get attention. Don’t get me wrong, my friends and family are wonderful. My brain is just an asshole.
Thankfully at this point, I’ve been able to come back around and am seeing the benefits of going to a doctor. The only issue now is figuring out how. I’m completely useless when it comes to scheduling appointments and figuring out health insurance and what it covers so I haven’t found a way to tackle that yet. It’s a work in progress but I’m determined to figure it out at least by the start of the new year. (4 months should be plenty of time right?)
I think the hardest thing for me about deciding if I should go to a doctor about my mental health is being okay with letting it go. For years of my life I’ve struggled with these things and they’ve become so much a part of who I am. I know it sounds silly, but I’m scared. Scared that I’ll lose sight of who I was. I’m worried that I’ll feel guilty for the times I feel happier. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t feel like I deserve to get better.
I know that I’m worried I won’t have an identity once I start dealing with these things. I also know that I won’t be fixed overnight. Depression is an illness that likely will never fully go away but I want to be able to go about my day to day life without always feeling like there’s a heaviness surrounding me. That’s how I know it’s time to get help.
If any of you have tips and tricks to adulting and finding doctors, let me know. I could certainly use the help. Feel free to share your stories in the comments. It always helps to know I’m not alone.
* if you’ve been around for a while you might be thinking ‘wait, didn’t she write a blog about faking it and how depression likes to trick you into believing that so you don’t get the proper help you need?’ I sure did. That blog can be found HERE. I guess I need to take my own advice sometimes, huh?