Five months ago I woke up unemployed for the first time in just over two and a half years. I remember waking up that Saturday and having such mixed feelings about it. For the first time in months, I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. The overwhelming sense of dread seemed to slip away. On the flip side, I also felt scared. I was so worried that I had made the wrong choice leaving. I even got sick and all I could do was lay in bed thinking of what I had done.
It’s been five months and I’m still not sure I made the best choice. I know that above all else, leaving my previous job needed to happen but I think I should have timed it better.
When I left, I had planned to pack up my life and travel for as long as I needed to find whatever I felt like I was missing in my life. I wanted to run away from all the things in my life that were causing me stress and remember how wonderful life can be. I didn’t do that.
I remember how much time I took to think about my decision before I made it. I remember talking to my best friend about how unhappy I was and how if I could, I would just leave. Every time we talked about it, she would ask me why I couldn’t. The logical answer was that I couldn’t afford it but she would always tell me that if I really wanted it, I could make it work. So I did. I saved up my tax refund and all the money I didn’t use for rent. When I was certain I could live off my savings, I left.
Because of the timing, I had no choice but to go back to my parents house. Once that came to be realized, I began to freak out. The last time I was unemployed, It was for a full year and I didn’t want that to be the case again. Of course, other than just applying for jobs, I don’t have much of a say about the length of time it takes to find a new job.
So for five months, again and again, I’ve woken up unemployed. For five months I used the small amount of money I saved and had to turn to borrowing money from family and friends just to stay afloat. I am beyond blessed to have this generosity given to me but I wish that it was not needed. I have been on more interviews than I wish to count and applied to far more jobs than I ever heard back from.
Wednesday I had a third and final interview with a company located not far from where I live but this morning I still woke up unemployed.
It’s mornings like this that make me believe there is something wrong with me. That I made the wrong choice to leave my last employer. My brain wants to rationalize everything. I mean, it wasn’t really so bad there. I could have made it work.
In times like these I find it easy to be discouraged. To lose sight of the posibities. To stand in front of the closed door, banging on it and pleading for someone to open it back up. It’s easy to pull back into your shell and become numb to all that’s happening around you.
I can’t say that it will all work out because I don’t know if it will. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow or the day after that.
I feel like a failure. Like I should have known better.
Better luck next time, right?