Train of Thought

It’s been a struggle to create anything lately. For the past who knows how long, I have felt that each road block I’ve come to has commanded my full attention. I haven’t taken the time to sit back and relax and take in the bigger picture. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

When it comes to stress I can seem to handle it well. I face something head on and move past it. That is, however, only in small quantities. When I have multiple stressors coinciding my brain and body tend to shut down. I remove myself from the present and wait for the storm to pass. I feel as though this last year has been just that.

I have watched this year pass me by and there was nothing I could do to bring myself back. I watched bridges burn in both personal and professional aspects and didn’t stop it.

Yesterday I had a really promising interview where I am and I’m mostly confident that I will get it. Will I be sad if I don’t get the job? Yes. Will I be happy if I do? I don’t think so. I understand how odd that might seem to some of you. How can one outcome make you sad but the opposite not make you happy?

When I moved, I left behind the life I created for myself. If I am offered this job, I will be committing to spending a couple years in this town. So, this crossroad is leaving me very conflicted. By getting this job I will gain the experience that I would need to start a career in a medical office (not as a doctor or nurse, but just doing billing or whatever.) By getting this job I admit that I won’t be going back home for a long time.

That, among other things, have made my heart heavy today.

More than anything I want to be able to put what I feel into words but the words just aren’t there. There is no eloquence I can weave through these thoughts. The best I can do is sit here and let my fingers type what my brain is saying.

What is my brain saying anyway? I miss home. I wish I could go back but I know that I can’t. At least not for now. I didn’t get to say goodbye to anyone before I left and maybe it was easier that way. Not to have to face another goodbye, another heartache. Just like ripping off a bandage, I had to do it before I could register what was happening.

I don’t know what else to say here. I guess this just brings me back to the beginning. The coming months will be difficult, I’m sure, but no less necessary.

“Never doubt that you are valuable and powerful and deserving of every chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and achieve your own dreams”
– Hillary Clinton, 2016 concession speech


One Comment Add yours

  1. Wherever you may be, you will always be no more than yourself. Wherever you go, home will always be an idea more than it is a place. Nothing is necessary and nor should it be, because otherwise nothing would be remarkable…there is no plan, no correct method. Experience what it is to be you while you still can and know that, if even if you are left with nothing else but regret, you were still, however briefly, however insignificantly, alive to the impossible glory of the light.

    Liked by 1 person

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