We have an event at work tonight. It’s an awards banquet. Well no, it’s not a banquet, at least that’s what I’ve been told. I wouldn’t know. I don’t think I’m cut out for event planning. Then again, I don’t think I’m cut out for most things that I do.
The ‘banquet’ doesn’t start until 4 tonight but I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for the last week. I definitely wasn’t prepared for this event to be put together. We’ve postponed and canceled it about 3 or 4 times already. I was thinking we would just forget about it. I guess that’s not how it works in this company.
It’s been a difficult week for me though. Among all of this hustle and bustle I have been feeling like I’m not wanted around. Honestly, I think that’s just my typical ‘little sister’ mentality. More than that though, I feel like my inability to make choices is affecting how my coworkers view me.
A few months back, one of my coworkers was talking to me about how she was worried about her daughter because up until that point she didn’t have direction in her life. Or rather, she didn’t show that she was passionate about anything. My heart broke for this girl. I know the feeling. I still don’t have direction. I’m as lost now as I was 5 years ago. I wonder if I’ll ever find my way.
I was talking to my best friend the other day about everything that’s been going on and she told me that I just need to do what makes me happy. Then it hit me. What if I never find what makes me happy? What if I spend the rest of my life hopping from job to job thinking the grass is greener, only to find the same dry brown dirt there was before?
Most days I wonder what happened to the girl who wanted it all. I talk about her all the time. When did we become two different people? Will I ever get her back? Will I ever be her again?
For now, I’m the girl who put together and awards ‘banquet’ in a week’s time with no direction. The girl who won’t hesitate to do whatever you need to make your job easier. The friendly, helpful ghost passing from place to place when there’s no more work to be done.