A few weeks ago I started training for a new position at work. I’m not sure if I will be moved to this job fully or if I’m just testing the waters. I suppose that debate isn’t really important at the moment. I mean, it is considering I’m doing the work of someone who would normally get paid 31% more than what I’m getting paid. We’re not going to get into it.
This new job is in the accounting department of where I work so I’m in charge of cutting checks. I feel so powerful. I also feel like I’m getting closer to where I should be if I stay in this company, which I’m rather pleased with. I have always had a natural gift for numbers and I like that I’m able to apply that in my day to day job. It almost makes it seem like I didn’t waste two years of tuition to a math degree before dropping out.
On the other hand, I feel like a fraud. I sit there and I get through what I need to get done and then have extra time on my hand for freaking out and wondering if I did it correctly. I know that the feeling will go away the longer that I do this job but for now I still feel unsure. I want to be confident in knowing that I’m doing this right but I guess that confidence comes with time.
Then of course, I’m sitting here writing this blog and in the back of my head I’m telling myself that I need a change. That I need to pursue writing and editing because that’s what I really want to do. Then on top of that I’m telling myself that I could never pursue those things because I will fail and I hate failing.
I’ve been feeling very conflicted for the last few months about everything and I don’t know what to do about it. I mean, I obviously know what I’m going to do about it but not necessarily what I should do. I’m going to stick it out and gain the experience and try and fall in love with the job. Even still, I am worried that if I spend too much time pushing toward this job that I will miss my chance to go after the other job. Do you ever feel like that?
I worry that this job will end the same as the last job I had. Where I am so burnt out I can’t function and I end up leaving and having to start all over from scratch. I worry that it will be too late to start over again. (I also worry constantly about my imminent death but I think that one is definitely a mental issue rather than reality so I’m working on ignoring that one.)
Have you ever started going in the direction that you want within a specific company and then found that it still wasn’t right for you? How did you deal with that? What did you do to overcome that? I look forward to hearing your thoughts!