A Twelve Step Guide To Staying Single

Look, I know you’re all wondering how I’ve managed to be single for as long as I have. I don’t want to say that I’m an expert at this but I’ve been single all my life with the exception of 10 months. Okay, maybe I do want to say I’m an expert. Being single is not easy work, you know? If you’re wondering what my secret is, just keep reading. I’ve created this easy to read, twelve step guide that will surely keep you single for as long as you want.

Without further adieu.

How to stay single:

Step one. Complain about being single. You’re a good person, why doesn’t anyone like you? What more do you have to do?

Step two. Start a new job in order to meet new people.

Step three. Make friends with your coworkers.

Step four. Only hang out with them when you have to. You don’t like mixing business with your personal life.

Step five. Be jealous of the relationships all your friends seem to be in. Is everyone but you living happily ever after with their partners?

Step six. Be lonely. Drink about it. Write about it. Cry about it. You know the drill.

Step seven. When someone says they like you, remind them of all the reasons they shouldn’t. After all, they need to be prepared.

Step eight. Tell them no and that you just want to be friends.

Step nine. Be friends.

Step ten. Change your mind.

Step eleven. Realize it’s too late and they’ve already moved on.

Step twelve. Repeat.


Today I’m thankful that people even put up with my antics anymore.

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