Dear April,
I’ve always thought of myself as strong until I had to say goodbye. In that moment, I believe I was stronger than I ever could have imagined. It always easy for others to say when enough should have been enough. Of course, we’re never that lucky, April.
Last month I reached out to that goodbye. I was looking for closure, but I’m afraid I didn’t get what I was looking for. When at first it seemed like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders, April, it now is haunting my dreams. A relief that’s turned to sadness and then to anger. I thought I would be okay.
memories running through my bloodstreams, I’m always just a bottle away from you
white fingers clinched around the pictures, clinched around the hope i’m holding to
I’m trying not to let this hold me back, April, and it’s hard. It’s hard to move forward as if you don’t wish you could rewrite the past. It’s hard to believe you’ve made the right choice when you haven’t fully healed. Goodbye was something I wasn’t ready for and in the pain and healing of it, it’s not easy to look back without a small amount of regret.
I am thankful that I have grown enough in the time since then, April. I know that one day I will be able to look back on this moment and laugh that I ever fretted over something so outside of my control. I cannot change the minds of people who never took a chance to know me. I should not hold on to the hurt of someone who pushed me away instead of being honest.
This coming month I want to allow myself to move forward in finding who I am. In times like these, April, I have a tendency to stop living purposefully. This month I will do something for myself again and be unapologetic. I will dance more, I will sing more and I will read more. I will move forward in healthy self care and the pursuit of a happiness I haven’t seen in a while.
Until then,
Rebekah
Who I Was 