A Letter to October (2018)


Dear October,

We had a bit of a hiccup. Ever year like clockwork, I wake up to dark and gloomy skies and heart to match it. I am stuck between sharing too much and not enough.

I have worked hard this summer to make up for all for our lost time, October, and I felt as though it had been for naught. Darkness still fell and I was becoming a little too much to handle. A little too heavy to pick up day after day. Even with all of that, I continued on.

No fame no money I’m nobody
The way I’m running has sure got me down
On my knees
But next stop, Vegas please

Last week, we went to Vegas for a quick break. It was my first time and even though John-Robert had to work, I really enjoyed the time we were able to spend together. We lost all our money between Blackjack and how expensive everything is there and I still would do it all over again, October. It was exactly what I needed to remind myself that I am capable of beating the darkness.

What had looked like a turbulent time turned out to be invigorating. I know that sounds like a stretch, October, but hear me out. This month has come with conversations, as difficult as they may be, that has lead us to build a stronger foundation. Even though I can feel that darkness looming around, I still feel happy. That alone says a lot.

Back in high school I remember my sister would ask me if I was happy or sad or any number of emotions. I remember I never could say yes or no. I always felt indifferent, October. This might sound dramatic but feeling emotions is weird. While we were in Vegas, we ended getting massages and I nearly cried just from that. Of course, there are times when I would like to exchange some of my feelings, but overall I think I’m on the right path.

With only a few months left of the year I have been thinking of the ways I get in the way of my own success and how that relates to the way I set my goals. There are many times that I do not place value on my own goals, October, and will often sacrifice my success in order for someone else to succeed. I don’t know that I will ever fully grow out of that but I am determined to start accomplishing more things this coming year.

Looking back on how I felt this time last year, I am blown away at the progress I have made. I can’t wait to keep moving forward, October.

Until next time,

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