I’ve seen so many people searching for a word to describe 2018. Some find exactly the word they need and some find many. I found ‘Undone.’ More on that later.
My boyfriend sent me this article the other day and I think it’s really worth the read. The article is about how at the core of resolutions, you will find habits. I have many habits from good to bad and everything in between. One of my worst habits is tearing myself down (even if John-Robert says its nail biting.) There are a lot of things I’ve called myself this year. Messy, incomplete, broken, sad, the list goes on. If I pulled together everything I said and wrote in 2018, I think my most common phrase would be “why am I like this?”
I struggle with feeling good enough, happy enough, loving enough, overall enough. In the past three years on this blog I have written about growth and progress and falling behind. In these years I think that it’s increasingly more clear that healing is not a linear process. You don’t always get from point A to point B by only moving forward. Sometimes you have to turn around or take a step back to make sure you’re on the right path. Sometimes you have to undo what you’ve done.
That’s what 2018 brought me. I spent months at the bottom of a pit trying to undo and redo the progress I thought I had made. The article mentions that instead that instead of creating a list of strict resolutions, such a run 3 times a week, that we should choose a theme. I would definitely say my theme last year was progress. It would be foolish to think I had not accomplished that goal.
As I sit here today I know these things:
- I made it through the year
- I started to find my voice again, even if only through a text or blog or Instagram post.
- I stopped trying to run away from problems and started trying to work through them
Failing through these things has been hard and worth it. With every step I take, I can breath a little better. I have been to the point where I thought I was cured and then fallen right back into my same bad habits. This time, I didn’t let that stop me. I messed up a lot this year. I accepted my faults and worked towards forgiving myself for them.
Before reading this article I had begun creating a list of resolutions I felt ready to tackle this year. Without knowing it, I found a theme. The first things I wrote was healing. Though I’m still working on what that means for me, I know that 2019 will be challenging in so many ways and that it will all be worth it in the end.
Before I bid you adieu, I want to say thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read my blogs. Thank you for your comments through texts and comments and even just a like on what ever platform you found this blog on. Thank you for your support. It really makes a difference. I have had a lot of passions over the years and I think this one has been the most consistent. Without you reading, I wouldn’t be able to continue. Thank you.