Running

There is no right way to begin. No way to ensure that what I am writing will fully express what I want to say. The only thing to do is give it my best shot. So here I am.

It has been nearly a year since I’ve blogged on here, with the exception on a few poems here and there. I don’t think that I intended to stop writing or if I just stopped having the energy to do so. I was putting so much of myself into this little site and I was neglecting the people who needed it more. This year has brought many trials and tribulations and I am certain the coming year will bring many more.

They say healing is not linear and how true that is. Though I have taken many steps forward in my journey I have taken quite a few back. I have made wrong turns and ripped off bandages that were not ready to be removed. I have left paths unexplored for fear of the unknown when on the other side, lays nothing but fields of daisies. But life is more than just metaphors.

Life holds more dangers than getting lost or scraped knees. Life holds heartbreak and confusion. There is wickedness in the world disguised as people you trust. There are people who would rather tear you down than to see their own faults. And worst of all, there is the voice inside your head that whispers that you are not enough. That you will never be enough. It will never be silenced.

As I sit alone in a quiet house I can’t help but to be reminded of how things used to be. I am faced with past versions of myself only to find myself back where I started. Four years ago, sitting alone in my apartment I told myself that I would begin this blog as a way of remembering the past with fondness and gratitude of the ways I have grown. Today, I am weighed down by the memories. I am intertwined with that sad girl who wanted nothing more than to run away.

I haven’t stopped running since.

As the year comes to a close I find myself, once again, wanting to pick up what I have left, pack up the car and drive until nothing looks familiar. I wonder what it would be like to start over. Not just to make a resolution to be different. To show up in a new town with a new name and a new life. I wonder if it would be like dying.

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