Dear September,
There’s a lot that I want to say – that I want to tell you. I would love to list in detail every amazing thing that has happened in my life since we last spoke. And maybe one day I will be able to do so again. At one point, this came so naturally to me and yet today I stare at the computer screen waiting for the words to start pouring out of me and I can tell I am holding back.
I finally started going back to therapy and it has been helping in many ways. And still, yesterday I felt incomplete. There will always be something missing If I keep building up walls around the parts of me that I don’t want to work on. And so, I cried. I let myself begin to finally come to terms with something I swore I would avoid forever. I suppose you can’t always ignore something long enough that it stops hurting on its own.
I realize that I have been romanticizing a connection that I once had and it’s holding me back from where I want to be. To be honest September, this letter should be directed to them. Unfortunately, I don’t get to have the opportunity to do that anymore. I stopped counting the weeks since the last message I received and told myself that meant I stopped hoping for a reply. I don’t know if you can ever give up hope if you refuse to heal.
I want to heal.
I want to look back on the years knowing that there were plenty of good times while being realistic that it was not perfect. I know there is a balance between the two. Good and bad can exist simultaneously within the same person. I feel like we spend so much time trying to cancel one negative out with a positive when these things just ARE. People are multi-faceted and complex, and we can’t be boiled down to a simple list of pros and cons.
Pro: There was once a strong connection between us.
Con: I stopped being a priority to them.
And that’s just the truth of it. I tried to force something onto them for so long because of how things “used to be.” I let them prove to me time and time again that I was not something they wanted anymore. Even in this time of disconnect I felt like I was the one who was in the wrong when I was never given evidence to support these theories. I know that I am not a perfect person, partner or friend and I also know that I am doing what I can to be the best version of myself.
I have spent a lot of time accepting love that was incomplete because I thought I was missing something. How could I expect someone to love me fully if I was still a work in progress? And until recently I didn’t believe I deserved anything more than that. I was content to accept that there were people who needed the love more than I did. I pushed down any feelings of hurt and sadness and in doing so, I also pushed down the chance to feel true joy.
What a hard pill to swallow. You hear so much that you can’t understand light without the dark. Turns out the same thing goes for emotions too. You can experience the “positive emotions” without the negative ones but if you spend too much time repressing then everything just seems bland and indifferent. After spending years being indifferent, I’m bored.
I look back on old poems that I wrote for this person, and I realize what I once saw as love, was only desperation. A list of excuses to why things would be different if I could just convince them. I deserve so much more than that. I deserve someone that will prioritize the time we have when I am with them. Slowly but surely, I am believing that. I am surrounding myself by people I love and who love me back. People who value my time.
I know that this change won’t happen overnight. There will still be times when I want to tell them about a date I went on or a frustration I have. I will continue to practice allowing myself to notice these feelings and not dismiss them. There is a lot to learn and unlearn from the time that we had together, and I won’t spend my time punishing myself for not healing faster.
I am worthy of love. No matter where I am in my healing journey, I deserve to be loved fully. I will not accept anything less than anymore.
With love,
Rebekah
Who I Was 